Who Am I?

"i need to find back myself..."

this phrase came to me while toking to my colleagues during lunch.. and the same thing came again when i was toking to chuan during dinner..

i feel lost.. i feel confused.. many things flashback in my mind.. i feel that i had lost my heart that thirst for the Lord, having strong faith in the Lord, fixing everything upon the Lord.. the heart that is pure and innocent.. the feeling is like losing the love you had for your first love.. it's juz so different from the time when i came back from korea..

was sharing with chuan.. she asked me, "how different?".. and this is wat i told her.. i used to pray everytime before i begin serving during worship.. i pray that God will used me greatly, guide me, lead me, filled me with Holy Spirit.. i juz believe that by myself i can do nothing, but with God, everything will be alright.. i serve not for myself.. but to glorify His Name..

but now... it seems different.. i pray only when i feel that i need Him.. i started to depend alot on myself.. i started to compare myself with others.. pride started to form inside me.. i wanted to play as well as joshua, and i started giving myself stress and pressure unknowningly.. it seems like i serve to show off how good i can be.. i'm serving for my own glory.. and what i can say is... ALL THESE ARE VERY VERY VERY WRONG!!!

thank god for reminding me before i become worst.. in order to get back myself, there are many things i need to learn.. i need to humble myself before people and God.. i must stop comparing myself with others.. it's really tiring to keep comparing.. when serving in drums, i need to learn to keep things simple and let god lead me.. i must not serve for my own glory.. i must serve for the Lord's glory!! no matter how good or bad i am, i'm juz a vessel used by the Lord.. i must learn to put full trust and faith in the Lord.. most importantly, i must remember that.. BY MYSELF I CAN DO NOTHING.. and everything that i do, whether is serving in drums or any other things.. it is not to please myself.. but to please the Lord!! :)

i'm tired of living with a mask..i need to learn to take off my mask.. i dun want to run away from things.. i dun want to enclose myself in my own world.. i dun wan to hide myself in front of people.. i dun wan to be bothered by how people look at or think abt me.. i dun want to force myself to put up a strong front when actually i am really weak inside.. i just want to be my true self no matter where i am.. i need to learn to face things bravely.. i need to learn to open myself up.. i need to remember that i am not always the best for everything.. i need to accept myself for who i am, and the fact that this is who i am.. :)

i have not been praying enough.. or should i say i have not been praying seriously enough.. i need to learn to pray more.. i need to build up my spiritual life.. i need to learn to do the right thing.. i must stop myself from finding excuses to escape from what God wants me to do.. i need to respond to God.. i need to have a submissive heart.. i need to submit myself, my whole self to God.. i shouldn't be keeping any bit for myself.. :)

anyway, i wanna thank god for chuan.. when i needed to find someone to tok to, god provided you for me.. :)