I Am Who I Am

thank god for giving many reminders..

i had been praying to God that i wanna hear his voice.. but i had never notice that god had already been speaking to me.. thank god i joined in the sharing for jamming yesterday.. thru uncle dingliang, i was reminded that god is already speaking to me for many times.. he pop me with a question, "cindy, 最近你有常听到上帝的声音对吗?" it was a bit sudden, and i stunt for a moment.. and replied, "ya, occasionally".. and he said that, he can feel tt i did hear god's voice.. coz he saw the change in my life.. :) hearing god's voice doesnt mean tt really have to hear god's voice.. but it may be just a thought tt came into the mind, may be something that you read, etc.. and i started to think and recall.. and yes, i've been hearing god's voice, and it's just that i did not know tt god is speaking to me.. but i'm glad tt now i know! thank god!

since the start of 2008, many negative thoughts came to me.. i was having doubts in whatever i do.. be it my work, my serving, etc.. i juz feel that i'm quite useless in whatever i do.. i seem to be not able to do things well as what i thought i have to.. but thank god for putting strong support by my side.. thank god for reminding me that i should not let all these negative thoughts have a hold over me.. i should not compare myself with others.. thank god for helping me to get out of all the struggles i had been facing.. i begin to learn how to accept myself for who i am, i learn how to accept my limitations, i learn how not to compare myself with others, i learn about humility too.. :)

god has been constantly reminding me "I AM WHO I AM"!

on friday, during the bible teaching in church, the topic was about i am who i am.. and yesterday cheri talked to me regarding my style of playing drums.. she told me that i should create a style of my own.. coz no matter how closely i imitate others, i juz cant play like them.. coz they are who they are.. i am not them, i cant play exactly like them.. and i should create a style of my own, and others would not be able to play like me too, coz they are not me.. yes, i thank god she talked to me about it.. god is once again reminding me that i am who i am.. and i recalled that at the beginning of the year, during youth prayer meeting, i think sarah and jiaying did pray for me abt creating a style of my own too.. i used to think about creating my own style.. but soon i forget about it, coz i dun have the courage to try out new stuffs.. i'm afraid of how pple look or think about me.. but thank god for this "wake up" call.. yes, i should not be imitating others.. i should create a style of my own.. :)

i was also greatly encouraged by what my sis told me.. it was something that she will never tell me in the past.. honestly, i'm not very close to my sis.. whenever i see others getting along really well with their sisters, i always wonder how come my sis and i can't be like them too.. but i believe tt god has his timing for everything.. he has the most perfect plan for all of us.. recently, i saw a change in my sis life too.. and god uses her to affirm me.. she told me, "i'm very proud of you, really proud of you".. i was really very touched when she told me this.. i believe the day that i'm hoping for will come very soon.. :) anyway, sis, i also wanna tell you that, "i'm very proud of you too.. no matter what, u're the most wonderful sis i have!" i really miss the time when we used to quarrel and fight with one another when we're younger.. coz tt is the time when we really get to communicate and interact wth each other.. :)

i had thank god many times on this, but i still have to give thanks to him today.. haha.. really thank god for providing chuan by my side, and is willing to listen to my sharing.. :) thank god for providing me someone whom i'm able to tok to freely.. there is no need for me to put on a mask.. there is no need for me to hide.. :) yes, i could share with her honestly.. thank god for changing me too.. if u wan me to do something like this in the past, it is a 100% impossible thingy.. i used to keep everything to myself.. i used to hide myself from people.. i'm like having a split personality.. i avoid talking about anything related to God, church, spiritual life when i'm out of church.. thank god, now i'm able to share abt my life, my experiences, etc.. i no longer hide as much as what i did in the past! haha!

i accepted christ when i was abt 7 yr old, though it's not a very good thing but i have to admit that i dun lead a good christian life, and i'm not a good christian before i turn 21.. thank god, at the age of 21, which is last year, he changed my life! a great change in my life after coming back from korea! although i'm a christian for many years, i have to say tt my spiritual life is not good.. yes, i juz started to lead a christian life since july 2007.. i'm juz like a new believer.. :) thank god for giving me the courage to admit and accept this fact.. and gave me the thought of getting myself a mentor.. but i'm not sure who will be the one.. haha.. anyway, have to pray about it.. but i'm sure that god will prepare one for me! :)

No One Is Perfect

today's prayer meet was good.. :)

during prayer time, once i step out to the front and kneel down, tears flowed out.. i felt so helpless.. i was telling god many many things.. i didnt want to hide from him anymore.. i spoke to him honestly.. i told him i felt tt i'm so useless.. i wanna do great things for him.. but i juz cant seems to do much for him.. i feel tt my spiritual life is lousy.. there are many many things tt really bothers me.. i bother on how pple look at me, what pple think abt me, etc.. i'm always afraid to do certain things.. inferiority is oways with me.. :(

as i was praying, this phrase came to me.. 在人不能，在神凡事都能.. amen! there are many things which i will not be able to do it by my own strength.. but thru god, nothing is impossible.. yes! thank god.. he reminded me.. nothing is impossible in him! i want to accept myself for who i am.. no one is perfect.. i have to learn to accept my limitations.. :)

there are many things i need to learn.. but i shouldn't be afraid.. for god is always with me.. leading and guiding me..

chuan, thanks for praying for me juz now.. ur prayer was very ministering to me.. :)

Dream for the Lord

thank god for today's 2040 worship.. thank god for helping me to sort out my thoughts..

god is speaking to me in many ways.. few days ago, i noticed this book "So I'm Not Perfect" on my dining table.. i have no idea where this book came from.. and i dunno who bought it, or watever.. anyway, when i first saw this book.. i feel that god is going to speak to me thru this book.. so i started reading the first few pages.. and yes! indeed.. alot of the things written in this book juz hit my heart! thank god!

today during cell, we were sharing abt our dream.. my dream is.. i want to use the gift (drum skills) tt god gave me and serve him.. and of coz i hope tt whatever i play will be able to minister the congregation.. i also hope that drums will not be my only serving position.. i want to be able to serve him with other instruments, such as piano or guitar, too.. :)

actually i have another dream.. :) i hope that i can use my drum skills or my serving in drums to be a channel whereby i can bring pple to church or share gospel with them.. i do hope tt i can have a chance to "teach" pple how to play drums.. :)

there's one more dream which i dun really know how to put it in words.. :) it's related to worship too.. :) i hope that i will be able to "guide" or "train" worship teams to be able to play well and get the right feel or attitude.. argh.. dunno how to explain.. anyway, i guess it should be something like what cheri is doing for our jamming sessions.. :p haha!

my dream is to be God's musician/heavenly worshipper, and not just God's drummer.. :)

Do The Right Thing

wasn't in working mood recently.. mind juz kept shutting down or flying elsewhere when i'm in office.. got distracted easily at work.. lost interest in work.. no motivation to do work.. though i know i cant carry on like this, but it juz cant be helped.. i tried hard to concentrate at work.. but it failed many times.. :(

low productivity at work.. have not been doing much things.. was not doing my best at work.. which is not what i should be.. i knew tt even when i'm working, i'm also serving the lord.. i should do my best.. and not slacking around or trying find an easy way out..

i felt pretty bad about my own working attitude lately.. a thought came to me.. maybe i should sms my boss and apologize to her.. but i stop and think abt many qns.. i'm thinking if i should really do tt.. i'm thinking of after i sms her wat will happen? will she reply me? will she ignore my sms? wat will her reply be? lots of qns.. but no answer.. the only answer i have is.. I SHOULD sms her.. so i did.. and she replied me.. :)

thank god i had an understanding boss.. :) so far as i know, she knew that i'm not in the mood of working.. she did not blame me.. she did not stress me too much.. instead, she told me to do let her know if i have any issues.. :) there isn't many bosses like her out there left.. good bosses are almost extinct.. haha! but thank god, i still met one.. :)

dear lord, please help me to get back into working mood.. please help me to be willing to do whatever that is within my ability.. please give me the patience, strength, wisdom, and courage to do the right things that glorify your name.. amen!

Press On!

recently was feeling really uncomfortable, and lots of struggles in me.. got the feeling of giving up on all things and cant be bothered with anything.. juz wanna be a slacker!! stay at home and rot in front of the tv or laptop!! but i know I CANT do that! i have to fight against all these unhealthy thoughts!

god is reminding me many things.. even when i'm watching tv program, he is speaking to me.. god is reminding me that he knows everything about me, he knows how i feel, he knows what i want, he knows what is best for me! he knows me better than i know myself! there is nothing i can hide from him..

some things may turn out not to be wat we expect, but it will be the best for us at that point in time.. 一切都是最好的安排！ we juz have to learn to accept all things and give thanks for all things.. no matter wat is it, Lord, i want to submit myself to you!

i know that god is rebuilding my heart! it may be a long and tough process, but i need to press on! it may be very difficult, but i know that i'm not alone! god is always by my side, watching after me.. giving me the strength, wisdom, and courage that i need..

sometimes it's really very difficult to find someone whom u will feel comfortable toking to and is willing to listen to u.. especially when u're feeling down.. it is very easy to find someone to share your joy and happiness.. but it is not easy to find someone to share your sorrows.. Lord, thank you for providing me a good sister (chuan) who is willing to listen to my sharing and whom i feel comfortable and enjoy toking to.. :)

主，我献上生命给你 / Lord I Offer You My Life

我将自己完全献上
毫无保留，放在你的脚前
所有的悔恨，一切的称赞
无论苦与乐，都交托给你

过去的事，将来的事
还有那没有实现的梦想
我所有希望，我所有计划
全人和全心，都交托给你

(副歌)
喔，主，我献上生命给你
用我一切经历，来荣耀你圣名
主我献上一生给你
愿我赞美升起，能成为馨香活祭
我献上生命给你

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Who Am I?

"i need to find back myself..."

this phrase came to me while toking to my colleagues during lunch.. and the same thing came again when i was toking to chuan during dinner..

i feel lost.. i feel confused.. many things flashback in my mind.. i feel that i had lost my heart that thirst for the Lord, having strong faith in the Lord, fixing everything upon the Lord.. the heart that is pure and innocent.. the feeling is like losing the love you had for your first love.. it's juz so different from the time when i came back from korea..

was sharing with chuan.. she asked me, "how different?".. and this is wat i told her.. i used to pray everytime before i begin serving during worship.. i pray that God will used me greatly, guide me, lead me, filled me with Holy Spirit.. i juz believe that by myself i can do nothing, but with God, everything will be alright.. i serve not for myself.. but to glorify His Name..

but now... it seems different.. i pray only when i feel that i need Him.. i started to depend alot on myself.. i started to compare myself with others.. pride started to form inside me.. i wanted to play as well as joshua, and i started giving myself stress and pressure unknowningly.. it seems like i serve to show off how good i can be.. i'm serving for my own glory.. and what i can say is... ALL THESE ARE VERY VERY VERY WRONG!!!

thank god for reminding me before i become worst.. in order to get back myself, there are many things i need to learn.. i need to humble myself before people and God.. i must stop comparing myself with others.. it's really tiring to keep comparing.. when serving in drums, i need to learn to keep things simple and let god lead me.. i must not serve for my own glory.. i must serve for the Lord's glory!! no matter how good or bad i am, i'm juz a vessel used by the Lord.. i must learn to put full trust and faith in the Lord.. most importantly, i must remember that.. BY MYSELF I CAN DO NOTHING.. and everything that i do, whether is serving in drums or any other things.. it is not to please myself.. but to please the Lord!! :)

i'm tired of living with a mask..i need to learn to take off my mask.. i dun want to run away from things.. i dun want to enclose myself in my own world.. i dun wan to hide myself in front of people.. i dun wan to be bothered by how people look at or think abt me.. i dun want to force myself to put up a strong front when actually i am really weak inside.. i just want to be my true self no matter where i am.. i need to learn to face things bravely.. i need to learn to open myself up.. i need to remember that i am not always the best for everything.. i need to accept myself for who i am, and the fact that this is who i am.. :)

i have not been praying enough.. or should i say i have not been praying seriously enough.. i need to learn to pray more.. i need to build up my spiritual life.. i need to learn to do the right thing.. i must stop myself from finding excuses to escape from what God wants me to do.. i need to respond to God.. i need to have a submissive heart.. i need to submit myself, my whole self to God.. i shouldn't be keeping any bit for myself.. :)

anyway, i wanna thank god for chuan.. when i needed to find someone to tok to, god provided you for me.. :)

Photos taken @ The Cathay Starbucks

Pray, Pray, Pray!

many questions start popping out in my mind.. really dunno wat's the right answer.. struggling hard to make the right decision.. am i serving coz i'm afraid i have no opportunity to serve? am i serving for my own glory? to show pple how good i am? OR am i serving the Lord for His Glory? responding to His calling for me?

probably my objective on serving is not very right.. guess i'm juz afraid that i wun have opportunity to serve, and i wun be able to serve him at least once a week (which is something that i prayed for)... tt's y i continue serving in china ministry.. i dun wan myself to have the mindset that serving every week is a MUST thing in my life.. and if i cant get to serve him for a particular week, i will feel unhappy or buay song..

and i also dun wan to have the mindset that, when i'm on duty, it doesn't matter if i got go down or never go down, coz daddy is always there to standby for china ministry.. i wan to have the sense of belonging and fu dan when i'm serving.. when it is my duty, i have the responsibility to go down and serve, unless i really cant go down due to certain factors.. which currently i think i dun really have when serving in china ministry.. it seems like, it doesnt matter if i'm there or not.. :(

having a wrong mindset when serving the Lord.. is something that is very very wrong!!! i need to change my thinking on my serving.. i need to get the correct objective and attitude for serving.. i serve.. not for myself, but serve for the Lord! :)

i dun wan myself to serve under dad's shadow.. which currently i really need to break free from the ying yin in playing drums from dad.. i need to build up my confidence level in playing drums.. i need to brush up my skills.. i need more fa hui kong jian.. i need more encouragement.. which i'm not able to get it when serving in china ministry.. when serving in china ministry, i feel tired, stressed and pressurized..

for e.g. last sat when serving in 2040, joshua was around.. i dun really feel uneasy when he's around, but instead i'm glad that he's around.. when during worship, he will "show" me what to do to make it right for the atmosphere.. when i did correctly, he will give me acknowledgement.. and i feel more confident when playing.. and for e.g. when playing the fast songs, when abt to the end, i make a small mistake, i went out of beat, he juz smile to me.. and this is something tt i need... acknowlegdement when i did the right thing, encouraging looks when i made mistakes.. and not giving me a look like i did something super wrong when it's juz a small mistake...

i always hope to find someone who can understand me, someone i'm able to tok to, able to share my stuffs with, and get good advice from.. i do have an elder sis.. but thank god for giving me another da jie.. my cell leader - cheri.. she's always giving me good advice and encouragement, which really helps me to see and think of things from another angle..
"Big sister is always right!" - quoted from rah.. haha!

thank god also for putting another group of sisters around me.. shared with them regarding my thoughts/struggles on serving in the china ministry.. they too gave me good advice which allows me to better know what i should really do.. :) that is... i really need to pray more about it... which i know it is something that i really really really lack of.. :(

i guess i need a break.. therefore, i've decided to take a break from serving in china ministry for 3 months.. for 2 reasons.. :) firstly, as now i'm back to youth, serving in 2040 service should be my main priority.. so i wanna focus and stabilise my serving in 2040 service first.. secondly, i really need time to pray and ask god about my serving in china ministry.. is this ministry a ministry that he wants me to continue serving, or does he have another plan for me.. :)

Lord, help me!

thank god for allowing me to serve in the 1st 2040 service for year 2008.. :)

really thank god for 2040 worship today.. was playing a mess during practise time.. haha.. was feeling very nervous.. but thank god, i think overall the worship was quite alright.. even though i made some mistakes somewhere, and was playing faster and faster at times.. haha.. tt's y i made one of my resolutions to be able to get rid of this bad habit.. Lord, please help me!!!

recently had some contradicting thoughts regarding my serving in china ministry.. was seeking god for an answer.. and i'm still seeking for a clear one.. :) seems to get more easily irritated too.. especially when my parents tok to me.. probably i'm juz giving myself too much pressure on certain things.. i guess most of u should know what is it.. :) it's oso one of my resolutions for 2008..

anyway, thanks chuan, sarah and jiajia for praying for me during youth prayer meet today.. u gals rock! :)

应当单单仰望主

全心全意渴慕神慈爱的人
全心全意仰望神平安的人
创造天地万物和我们的主
他是多么地深爱着你

全心全意敬拜赞美神的人
全心全意渴望学像神的人
创造天地万物和我们的主
接纳你为神的儿女

神用他慈爱的双眼
无论何时无论何地看顾你
神用他仁慈的双耳
无论何时无论何地倾听你

在黑暗处他以光明照亮着你
极微小的呻吟他都细心地垂听
无论你在何处何方应当仰望主
应当单单仰望主

a nice song that always touches me and reminds me how good our heavenly father is!

no matter who we are, what we do, when and where, our dear heavenly father is always watching over us and listening to us... :)

Goodbye 2007, Welcome 2008

last day of 2007 was a really joyful day for me!

we had twm gathering at 4pm yesterday.. learn abt wat the banners that the dancers used stand for.. it's a good learning time.. :) we had a prayer time after tt.. was feeling not very good at first.. i cried.. continued to pray n pray.. and towards the end, dancer sarah pass me the banner tt represents joy! it is something i guess i really need and want! :)

continue staying in church for the countdown prayer meet.. finally got a breakthrough in my life! my FIRST TIME going up stage to share in front of many people! (it's an add on to my "first times" in december.. :) ) when rev fucai gave chances for people to go up to share, my mum turned around and look at me, chuan oso ask me to go up.. but i juz dun have the courage.. i juz sat at my place and continue to act as if it is none of my business.. but my heart is jumping fast.. so in end, the 4 of us (chuan, sihui, esther and me) went up together.. haha.. cheri cell gonna fu xin liao!! AMEN!! :)

anyway, i do not know exactly wat to share.. my mind was in a blank.. i wasn't prepared.. but 1 thing for sure is that i will not have nth to share, as there are really really too many things i need to give thanks for.. :) so i started off with after coming back from korea, the change in my life.. and see how god lead me back to the youth.. having good cell leader and cellmates.. and another thing i shared abt is my serving in china ministry.. i really do not know how come i will share abt tt.. but i guess is holy spirit prompting me to.. :) i also shared abt how cheri and my cellmates encouraged me not to give up.. and i quoted something which cheri told me.. "the harder it is, the greater the glory" Amen! i will nv forget this phrase.. :) thank god i went up to share! many people told me, my sharing was good.. :) thank god!

during prayer time, i went in front and kneel down to pray.. the injuries on my knees had not fully recovered after coming back from perak.. i do feel pain when i touch my knees.. but thank god i was able to kneel for quite a long time and i dun feel any pain.. :) i was feeling joyful throughout the whole prayer meet.. and i look forward to a joyful 2008! :p

supposed to go to aaron's house to countdown after prayer meet, but we cant get there in time.. so on our way there, sihui and i called cheri.. since she 千交代，万交代, we MUST CALL her to countdown with her.. haha.. anyway, did nth much there.. was watching tv, playing bridge.. at first i tot it was kind of boring.. i should have juz gone home and have a good sleep.. but remembering rev fucai sharing in the sunday brochure - "一切都是最好的安排！" i thank god i went, so i had a chance to have a short sharing with chuan.. which is wat we actually plan to do when we meet in the afternoon.. haha! and it is also something which i long to do (finding someone to tok to) :)

anyway after tt, they went to mac for breakfast, but i did not go with them as i juz ate yesterday morning.. so i walk all the way from braddell to toa payoh interchange.. i do feel a bit tired and sleepy.. but while walking, i juz look around the surroundings, and many thanksgiving juz came to my mind.. i thank god for the things tt he created, thank god that i'm still able to walk.. thank god for many things.. :) i felt joyful! i also wanna thank god for teaching me to give thanks for anything and everything! :p

Happy birthday Shumin (my beatty junior cum cellmate)!! :p
Happy 2008 to all.. :)